You don’t get her kisses

I recently read an article titled, “Boyfriends Do Not Get Husband Privileges.” The female author did a very nice job of kindly encouraging her peers to remember that there are “steps” in a committed relationship. Those steps take time and they must be taken slowly, and carefully. Additionally, certain vulnerabilities should be reserved for the right time.

When I was a twenty-something unmarried Christian male, I understood that I was not entitled to all that marriage held. First, I was not ready for the responsibility that came with marriage. Second, I understood that the Bible was clear: sex is reserved for marriage ONLY.

However, I’m now in my mid-forties. I have two young daughters and I work at a college and graduate school with hundreds of single men and women. I have spent years studying Christian manhood and womanhood. I’ve watched hundreds of these single men and women meet, date, and fall in love. While some of them get married, many of these relationships end in heart-break, sorrow, and sin.

Here’s my perspective as a Christian man and father – we’ve not trained our sons & daughters how to date & fall in love. When I ask young men who are dating, “Who taught you how to date?” they have no answer. No one sat down and talked with them about having a great friendship with a woman. No one taught him how to protect his heart (see Proverbs 4:23), much less her heart.

The author of the previously mentioned article suggested, “He’s your cuddle buddy…Sure, he can have your kisses, [and] hugs…”

Mmmmm…No. No he cannot! As a father, let me say it this way, as if I was talking to my daughter:

First, he is NOT your cuddle buddy. He is a man – not a toy – and you should treat him like a man, even if he does not act like one. By the way, if he does not act like one, why are you dating him?

Second, and this may be the more controversial point: he is not entitled to your hugs and kisses. Not yet. You see, God put you under my care, not his (see previous post “Adam: Guardian of the Garden”). You are first my little girl, not “his girl.” You are to be protected under the umbrella of my love, care, and affection. When the time is right, and the right man has presented himself, I will be honored to walk you down that aisle, and metaphorically place you in the “garden” of another man. At that time, he can have your hugs and kisses. At that time, he can be your cuddle buddy. But not now! Not yet. Not today.

To the young man who is dating a young woman, let me say this:

First, my daughter is not your cuddle buddy. She is not a toy to be discarded when you are done. Ladies, pardon my candor, but boys discard used toys when they are done with them. Many of you reading this article are far too familiar with the way an old boyfriend treated you. If you still don’t believe me, see the movie “Toy Story.”

Second, pursue a relationship with my daughter. Get to know her, get to know who she is, become her best friend. Do not try to get to know her lips, her hips, or her body. Those are not yours! She is my daughter until I hand her to you…on her wedding day. Until then, pursue the right things! Get to know her as a person.

If you are God’s man for my daughter, one day she will be your bride. Then, you can enjoy her hugs, kisses, and even sex.

But today is not that day. Today she is someone’s “future bride,” and that man may or may not be you. So protect her. Treat her the way you want another guy treating your future bride.